Five Times
by ceej4
Summary: If she can just assure herself the world still contains Abbey, she can go home.
1. CJ Cregg Did Not Kiss Abbey Bartlet

**Five Times C.J. Cregg Did Not Kiss Abbey Bartlet**

**by Cj**

**Summary: **Pushing aside the impious hypocrisy, she feels an almost religious wonder that her life contains this moment.

"If she can just assure herself the world still contains Abbey, she can go home."

**_i._**

They are at a bonfire on the campaign trail.

C.J. watches Abbey through wisps of smoke, the haze blurring C.J.'s world just enough that she allows herself the perusal she would normally be denied. The fire turns Abbey's hair to the color of dandelions and makes her smile feral. When they finally have a moment alone, C.J. touches the inside of Abbey's wrist. The skin is hot, reminding her that if she takes one step closer, they will both be burned. Abbey, the phoenix, will survive, but C.J., ash-flecked yet soigné, will have nothing left besides amber-tinted eyes and a memory of the taste of damnation.

**_ii._**

She sits on the couch as Abbey stands next to the window. She is diaphanous, almost glowing against the shadowy night, and C.J. slows her breathing in fear she will disturb the peace which has settled around them. Secret Service agents are outside in the dark and inside in the light, protecting them all from unseen forces, but C.J. is more concerned about what is happening in this moment in the very room where she lounges seemingly indifferent to the sight before her eyes.

Her concentration, however, never wavers even though it is late and she is tired. After her long day, stumbling upon Abbey while taking a walk had been fate. The other woman's hushed request had tightened the knot in C.J.'s throat and brought her to the darkened room they now share. C.J. realizes too late her ruth is not why she accepted the invitation. It was Abbey's whetstone skin and inclement eyes, and C.J. is beginning to believe that perhaps the stars are hateful, crackling things that cause people to cross lines and challenge their own faithfulness.

She continues with these thoughts as she stands and makes her way to Abbey. They are close but not touching until C.J. sighs and Abbey's attention is suddenly on the woman at her side. C.J. reaches out to Abbey, pressing her palm to Abbey's face, hoping to leave an imprint, before smiling gently and leaving the room.

**_iii._**

She is aware Abbey is standing behind her, watching her raptly in the mirror as she applies her lipstick. The pale, subfusc color disappears in the florescent light of the bathroom, and C.J. is momentarily jealous of the burgundy tint to Abbey's lips. She is sure they taste of the sharp flavor of love. Looking away from the eyes staring at her, C.J. takes a deep breath before turning to meet Abbey's questions. The First Lady just smiles, the deep red of her mouth making what could be a sweet gesture into a smirk. There is something hauteur, almost minatory, in the stillness of Abbey's gaze, and C.J. instinctively takes a step back. She knows, without reservation, she needs the distance.

**_iv._**

Charlie ushers her into the Oval Office, explaining that the President will arrive shortly. C.J. is about to take a seat when she notices a figure on the patio. The shape of the body is familiar and heat-inducing, and C.J. takes a step closer to the door without opening it, watching Abbey while she has the chance. The storm which had raged earlier has finally calmed to a shower, but the wind is still cause for concern, whipping the precipitation against the building. Hesitantly, C.J. joins Abbey, nodding to the agents surrounding them, all trying to hide in plain sight.

Abbey's only acknowledgment is a tilt of her head, a sanctity of movement so slight that C.J. bows her head in return. Reverence turns C.J.'s lust to lead, but Abbey's velveteen skin, damp from the rain, melts C.J.'s resolve. She turns away before she can ask why Abbey wears the supercilious pout of the exhausted and what she can do to erase the sepia sorrow haunting Abbey's eyes.

**_v._**

The library is massive, the shelves filled with thousands of volumes of books, all hiding knowledge between their covers and all meant to be discovered a hundred times a day. C.J. gets lost in the stacks, willing away time to memories of the man whose name adorns the building. She was summoned to this place, the letter she received still warm from what she imagines to be the sumptuous touch of its writer.

When she turns a corner and sees Abbey's sapient eyes scanning the room, C.J. suddenly remembers the arrhythmic relationship she has always shared with this woman and is tempted to remain out of sight, concealed amid the shadows and dust. Instead, she steps into Abbey's line of vision and smiles the well-mannered smile required for public appearances. They greet each other with a hug, Abbey's hands trailing down C.J.'s arms to take hold of the younger woman's fingers, intertwining them – connecting them – for just a moment. A rush of conversation, polite and pedestrian, carries them until they are secure in a private office, unseen from everyone but themselves.

C.J. wants to ask why they are there, but she is shell-shocked by Abbey's soft voice. It becomes clear to C.J. then that in the time they have been apart, only months and not years, that the grief felt by them both when the man between them was finally laid to rest has settled into Abbey's bearing. She is not the same woman, but C.J. feels herself being caught in the irresistible pull of this new creation.

She knows it does not matter why she is here, only that she is and that Abbey's explanation is real enough to ground her in the foundation which Abbey wants to construct in tribute of her husband. It is a task which will put C.J. and Abbey in frequent contact, and C.J. wonders if her will is strong enough to resist the temptation which she is fighting in that moment. It is a battle she thought she had won, but time and distance are not enough to stop the war between her desire and her loyalty. Still, she agrees to help Abbey, knowing she cannot stop what will happen in the future but intent on honoring the past.

Maybe the ghosts of those who came before will keep C.J. from leaning forward to press her lips to Abbey's the next time Abbey smiles.


	2. Abbey Barlet Did Not Kiss CJ Cregg

**Five Times Abbey Bartlet Did Not Kiss C.J. Cregg**

**by Cj**

"She dares not make a move because she knows, as she stares at the woman at the podium, she would go in the wrong direction."

**_i._**

Abbey is standing at the sink washing dishes when C.J. enters the kitchen, her hands full of dirty glasses. She smiles uncertainly but offers to help anyway. They are still so new to each other, and Abbey wonders if they will remember this feeling in five years or even in five months. She also wonders how their relationship will change and is nervous about their impending friendship. It is an uneasiness born from somewhere Abbey hasn't been in a long time, but she doesn't remember it as a dangerous place until their hands brush and the steam curls the ends of C.J.'s hair.

**_ii._**

Abbey is standing between Jed and C.J. when the winner of the presidential election is announced. Her husband kisses her first but then turns his attention to the members of his staff. There is yelling and cheering, and Abbey is suddenly wrapped in long arms in an embrace that causes her eyes to drift closed. She knows she could get away with a lot in the excitement, including sampling the taste of the woman with marmalade hair and lake-water eyes, but she knows it would be the flavor of destruction.

**_iii._**

She takes a walk in the afternoon, slipping out quietly without an open invitation on her lips. Although she knows the paths around the farm from years of experience, she feels lost until she catches sight of the gangly woman pacing along one of the lesser taken trails. Abbey remains hidden from view, but she suspects C.J. knows she's there. It is in the way C.J. tilts her head and smiles at shadows, moon skinned even with July pressing itself upon them. Abbey could reach out, touch C.J.'s wrist in a platonic gesture so harmless no one would question it, but she keeps her hands to herself because she knows the heat in her fingertips has nothing to do with summer.

**_iv._**

When the end finally comes, Abbey's one regret has very little to do with politics. C.J. is standing in the middle of Abbey's East Wing office, the doors shut and the windows covered. The furniture is gone, the room large and the distance between the two women great, made greater by the quotes of romantic poets running through Abbey's mind. She gauges how many steps it would take to put her in front of C.J., how many kisses it would take to dissolve the awkward silence that has settled around them, but she'll never know for her fear keeps her in her place, too afraid that one step forward will only lead to two steps back.

**_v._**

She approaches the library slowly, remembering it was her idea to meet here instead of somewhere less meaningful. Temptation has a way of dissipating under the weight of history, or so she hopes. Still, when she walks inside and catches a glimpse of the somber woman sheltered by the written language, Abbey reconsiders her theory. She makes her presence known, all hesitation slipping behind the presentation of a former First Lady, the well-worn persona as intimidating now as it was during her husband's days of power. It is that memory that keeps her smile friendly and her touch light as she hugs C.J., whispering hellos instead of desires. She is here to ask forgiveness without ever saying the words but not from the woman following her to a private office. She questions her decision until she glances at the presidential picture adorning the wall at C.J.'s back, the twinkle in his eyes the same as she remembers.

As she involves herself in C.J.'s conversation and describes the reason for their meeting, the comfort of their friendship surrounds her, gives her the freedom to laugh and to care. It is only when goodbye looms over them that she allows herself the melancholy of past farewells, but this time she lingers longer than she used to, the rightness of what she is doing keeps her fingers intertwined with the willing woman in front of her. She is content knowing that she even though she has already lost so much, she has not lost everything.


End file.
